I was more rapt by the previews before the movie, I mean Sandra Bullock and William Shatner in a movie together? WOW! Soon we'll have Leonard Nimoy and Sarah Michelle Gellar teamed up, and DeForest Kelly in a romantic comedy with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not too interesting, but a hell of a lot more entertaining than "Space Geriatrics." Normally, with a title like "Space Cowboys," and a western big-shot like Clint Eastwood, you would expect to see a movie about people wrangling cattle and having gun battles at high noon in outer space.
Unfortunately this movie is about egotistical senior citizens. I don't know what the screenwriter was t hinking when he wrote this stinker. I mean, a more fitting title would have been "Cocoon 3."
And virtually every character in this movie has to have some lame nick name. Eastwood's character is Francis "Frank" Corvin, Tommy Lee Jones is William "Hawk" Hawkins. James Garner doesn't even have the dignity of a real first name, he's just Tank Sullivan. Donald Sutherland is just Jerry O'Neil, yet when someone inquires about his nickname he says "Call me... anytime.'"
It opens with a black and white flashback to 1958 that's done rather poorly. You have young actors being voiced over with the geriatrics of Hollywood. You see young actors with fresh faces voiced over with the raspy voices of Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones. They're supposed to be the first Americans in space, but a monkey named Mary Ann is chosen instead. Pretty smart thinking for NASA there because these guys crash ever plane they step foot into. Now, present day, They're all old. And I think opening with a scene where Clint Eastwood starts to have sex with another geriatric isn't a good way to start the film, but at least Clint saves us by making the scene poorly lit.
Apparently the Russians have a satellite, but nobody ever calls it a satellite in this movie. Instead they decide to go into 'slang overkill' and continuously call it a "bird," every fifteen seconds; leading to such ridiculous sentences like "The big Russian bird is dying." Well, Clint Eastwood is the one who designed the satellite, although that is quite difficult to believe considering that at the beginning of the movie he can't even assemble a garage door opener. He makes a deal that he'll fix the satellite as long as all his buddies can get out of the nursing home and help him. "Where are the now?" James Cromwell asks. Well, James Garner is a preacher who, when he can't remember Bible verses, starts praising the air force instead of God. Donald Sutherland is this half blind, lecherous old man with a tasteless ponytail that chases round women half a century younger than him. Tommy Lee Jones is a crop duster that just takes high schoolers up in the air and flies around until they puke all over him. Somehow they get together drink a bunch of ensure and go into space... I guess.
I decided to walk out when I saw Tommy Lee Jones getting it on with a woman in her 20s, I said to myself, "No more. This movie has offended me." Any movie that expects you to watch old men complain about their problems with heart attacks, dentures, and Depends(r) for forty five minutes really doesn't deserve watching.
I give this piece of crap 2 for making me walk out. I mean, I can take a lot of crap, but I've never walked out of a movie before.
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