The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford feels slower to watch than the title is long. Fair acting can’t save this movie from the grass growing, paint drying, snail racing pace.

Brad Pitt lands the honor of playing legendary Wild West legend Jesse James. James’ paranoia runs rampant as he kills and maims his friends, his victims and his posse-mates. His behavior and the government set in motion an assassination plot to kill Jesse James. Robert Ford (Casey Affleck) the meek weakling who is put in the position to be the killer of Jesse James.

After I saw The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford all I could think about was my Human Sexuality class. When I was in college my Human Sexuality teacher managed to teach about human sexuality without ever accidently slipping and having a sexy tone to his voice or a giggle when he talked about anything sexual. He managed to take the sex out of sexuality and do it with the honed ability to bore his students. Director and writer Andrew Dominik managed to take all the Wild and West out of his version of Jesse James’ story. Yeah, sure there are guns, shootings and robberies but they are as exciting or interesting as medical sketches of uteruses are erotic.

This movie progresses like a high drama western soap opera. The story unfurls as smoothly as a ride across the outback and at the pace of an octogenarian three-legged race. There are endless subplots and characters whose motives aren’t clear or make any sense. It is hard to keep track of who is dead, who is running away, or who did what to whom for how many cookies.

The acting in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford isn’t atrocious, but a shining cinematic example it isn’t. Jesse James is supposed to be sexy, bad, unpredictable, and mildly scary. Brad Pitt is no bad boy, doesn’t approach fearful, is less than his peak of sexiness and, due to the dreadful writing; is utterly predictable. Casey Affleck, who plays Robert Ford, might as well develop a lisp, walk with a dead leg and try to lick his ear because his performance could not have been much worse.

My favorite character in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is the sky. The sky and its sidekick, quickly moving clouds, have more film time than any other character. As a time bridge, as well as a transition between scenes, there are floating clouds racing across the screen as if late for the biggest job interview of their lives. It always look great in light blue; the clouds know how to race across the screen with a floating grace and are the only part of this movie not running at dial-up speed.

Just add this western to the collection of unexciting and boring movies already in its genre. Borefest is putting it nicely.

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