The Whole Nine Yards


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Current Rating 6.28/10 | 32 Votes

"He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer."

I was sitting around my dorm room tonight trying to decide what to watch and as I looked through my DVD's, I came across my copy of 'The Whole Nine Yards.' Now, I had meant to watch the movie again at some point, but I decided tonight would be oddly appropriate for one reason and one reason alone. That reason is that over on the message boards, Tyler and I have been having an active debate over whether or not mayonaise is an acceptable hamburger condiment. One of the running jokes in this film is that NO ONE in this movie wants mayonaise on their burgers. In fact, Bruce Willis' character tends to get a little violent about it. ("Any red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you put on a hamburger is ketchup, or maybe some of that special sauce you all like so much up here, but when they start slapping that mayonaise on there...I could kill someone!")

Anyway, the movie begins with Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky, played by Matthew Perry. He's in deep debt and married to a greedy, whiny thing, played by Roseanna Arquette. He's a struggling dentist based in Ottawa, Canada.

One afternoon, he notices a new neighbor moving in. Naturally, he goes over to introduce himself, and instantly recognizes him as Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski, played by Bruce Willis, a former hitman who ratted out several mobsters and is now apparently laying low.

When Oz explains to his wife what is going on, all she can see is an opportunity to make a quick buck. She convinces Oz to go to Chicago to tell the surviving mobsters where Jimmy is. Oz begrudginly agrees, with little intention of actually tracking down the actual mobsters. However, the mobsters find him, and pretty much force him to admit he knows where Jimmy is. Complicating matters worse, he calls Jimmy to confess that he ratted him out to the mobsters, only to discover that his wife told Jimmy what Oz was up to.

Beyond that, I won't say anything, since the movie still has a few decent surprises I'd hate to ruin. I can say that it's all very funny.

Matthew Perry almost steals the show with a wonderful toss-up of physical comedy and quick one-liners. Bruce Willis also holds his own, and has a couple good lines, although he seems to be taking the film a little more seriously than Perry at times which can make some scenes seem a little off.

Now, the movie would seem destined for an entirely happy ending, but that's just not the case since by the end of the film, they still haven't stopped the Canadians from putting mayonaise on the burgers. I guess that'll be the sequel.

UPDATE: It has now come to my attention that they're actually making a "Whole Nine Yards 2." I can only imagine the plot, but when I originally wrote this review, my proposal of a sequel was only a joke.

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